Feelings, nothing more than feelings...

...that was a great "oldie" but a goodie!

So I've been having a lot of "feelings" lately and I need to get them off my chest. Alot has happened over the past few months and we haven't really shared alot of it.

Back in the very beginning of November we found out that I was pregnant with our 3rd baby! We were so happy... after the initial shock since we weren't trying! But Joey took it really well, got very excited about it and started making a lot of plans. He even picked out names! Now I know that sounds really silly, but you have to understand the background behind it...

We got married, we had Kenzie, found out that I was pregnant w/ Tyler when Kenzie was 9 mnths old and needless to say... young, only married a couple of years, a 9 month old on our hip already and saying I'm pregnant again was overload for him.... for both of us to tell the truth!!! I waited a long time before I even told him!! So that didn't go so well. He pretty much shut down, didn't want to talk about it and didn't really have a whole lot to do with the pregnancy... until Ty came and even then it was absolute craziness with 2 kids under 2 yrs old! We went through alot those first couple of years of marriage.

Anyway, Joey had decided that he wasn't going to act like that this time, that he wanted to be part of the pregnancy and everything. He got so excited about it!

Then the second week in December, I had some complications and lost our baby. I was so upset, but then felt like it all wasn't really real since I wasn't that far along in the pregnancy. So I've been dealing with all these issues and I know it's not like losing one after 4-5 months or more, but to me it was completely devastating. Even though we were trying to figure everything out, I was still excited!

So we haven't really talked about it w/ alot of people. We had decided not to tell anyone that I was pregnant until the 3rd month, etc... but some people figured it out. I was so sick, not like w/ my other two angels. Joey's sister was the first to figure it out, then his Mom and Dad, and a few people at church had their suspisions too!

Anyway, I never even told my parents or Carrie and Kurt about being pregnant until after I lost the baby, and afterwards I felt terrible having to tell them that I was and had lost it... but I didn't know what to do! I felt guilty somehow that I was pregnant not even trying and Carrie and Kurt still want to have one after losing Aaron last year... and I really didn't know how my Mom would handle it either. Then to have to tell her that way, it literally broke my heart when I told her and she said "Well, we have 4 grandchildren now." ... and it took me a minute to figure out what she was talking about.

So anyway, it's been a crazy few months for us and with everything else going on, even crazier!!! I know that there is a reason for everything ~ the Lord's reason, but sometimes it's so hard to see. I'm having alot of medical problems now and have had a ton of doctor's appointments and I'm just trying to focus on the good of this situation and stay busy as to not think about it so much. And then there's all these extra things going on that keep me crazy like old business stuff, my new job, children's ministry at church, the kiddos activities w/ dance and karate, etc... school, play, etc....

I just needed to "share". I don't even know if anyone will ever read this. But it feels alot better to get it out somehow.